Lions led by Sheep -

Breaking news – Leeds, Northern England. Terrorist attack devastates region’s biggest sports stadium. Thousands confirmed dead.

Just moments ago, a terrorist attack demolished Leeds United Football Club’s Elland Road stadium where tens of thousands of children were attending a Larry the Lion’s Africa Appeal rally.

Photo - Gareth Owen

Children had journeyed from all over England to celebrate their raising of over £1,000,000 to fight Third World hunger. Eye witness reports say just minutes into the festivities a series of ground-shaking explosions devastated the stadium’s support structure.

While the ferocious blasts killed hundreds instantly, before the surviving children could be evacuated, the stadium’s gigantic 17,000-seat East Stand collapsed, its roof crashing tons of steel and concrete down onto a stadium filled to capacity. Seconds later, the Revie Stand collapsed, too. Estimates say upwards of 24,000 children are feared dead.

Children
24,000
Dead

What kind of monsters slaughter their fellow man? But slaughter children!?

• This is the greatest disaster England has ever suffered.
• The greatest nightmare Europe has ever seen.
• In deed, possibly the greatest atrocity to ever strike the entire world.

Monsters.

They should be tied down and have wild dogs set upon them!

Monsters. Is there any other word for it? Continue Reading »

You probably aren’t aware of this but rich people have a hard time.

And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m partly to blame!

Recently, I’ve criticised wealthy execs and politicians for being uncaring monsters who manipulate the world for profit, when, in reality, they’re simply trying to live their lives as best they can. They have it just as tough as anyone. Tougher even!

For example, have you ever stopped to think just how absolutely awful it must be to drive a Lamborghini?

No!?

So imagine all those precious hours wasted through constantly having to fill up the tank because it gets only 8 mpg. Not to mention the cost with oil prices rocketing!

But the true nightmare must surely be the curse of having an educated palate.

• You can’t visit most towns as so few have five star gourmet restaurants.
• You can’t shop cheaply at Wal-Mart but must use costly specialist retailers.
• You can’t pop to the drive-through if you’re peckish, but must phone your exclusive restaurant, praying for a cancellation and a free table!

With so many restrictions, it’s like being in prison!

So, have a heart - give the rich a break! Maybe even slip a few bucks under a parked Lamborghini’s windshield wipers next time you see one.

But that’s going to leave a huge void - who the hell can we bitch about!?

Okay, after meticulous research, I’ve found a few substitute hopefuls.

Who? Continue Reading »

Believe me, that’s one flag you’re gonna be only too eager to burn!

 

Picture the scene - The White House, Washington, a beautiful Fourth of July. Over a bucket of southern fried chicken, the President and the First Lady are soaking up some rays in the Rose Garden and discussing who’s been evicted from Big Brother. Suddenly, the biggest squadron of helicopters ever assembled roars overhead. They hover. All their doors slide open. In unison, thousands of passengers hang their bare butts out and… take a dump. The White House, the President and the First Lady are buried under a mountain of–

I think you get the picture.

Now, once my American readers have finished with their death threats, I imagine you’ve got one question. I’ll guess it’s this one - Continue Reading »

Kids! What the hell do they know? Loud, lazy, disrespectful, trouble causers. Like we can ever learn anything from kids!

So why do I suggest you waste 6 minutes of your life watching the video below which features just an ordinary bunch of kids from an ordinary school?

You’ll see. Continue Reading »

Cancer? Well, it’s one of those good news/bad news deals, isn’t it?

The bad news is one in three of us is going to become intimately acquainted with cancer leading to a lifelong relationship.

The good news is not to worry if you don’t get on as that ‘lifelong’ friendship won’t actually last that long!

Isn’t there any way to avoid befriending such a disagreeable character?

Let’s see, you can eat healthily, avoid excess in… well, everything, you can exercise, make all manner of lifestyle changes, but there’s no guarantee. Especially as no amount of bran, jogging, or abstinence will ever change your genes.

Bottom line?

Continue Reading »

There’s a killing to be made from exploiting the poor, but how can you grab your share before big businesses and governments snatch it all?

President Bush recently requested another $70 billion to fund the campaign in Iraq. Was Saddam a monster? Were there WMDs? Links to Al-Qaeda? Was it all about oil…? All excellent questions, but isn’t the question - Can’t $70 billion be better spent?

I don’t know about you but I like to fritter my hard-earned cash away on little luxuries like, oh, I don’t know, food, shelter, heating… So thanks to this voracious ‘shopping’ addiction of mine, it’s possible I’ll never see $70 billion in my bank account.

Of course, it might be different for you - the average wage in the U.S. is around $40,000 so you could see $70 billion in your account in just 1.75 million years.

Still, just in case you retire before you hit that landmark, here’s what $70 billion actually looks like - $70,000,000,000.00

Yep, that’s a whole lot of zeroes!

So, back to ‘the’ question - what could you spend all those zeroes on if not on killing people? Continue Reading »

London, Paris, San Francisco… Last week saw demonstrations around the globe against China. Why?

In Tibet, Chinese police might have killed as many as 80 people in clashes with protestors. But then, China isn’t hot on human rights.

Whether it’s children slaving in sweatshops or free-thinkers being imprisoned, China rarely shows leniency or charity towards its people.

Travelling to Dengfeng to visit China’s famous Shaolin Monastery, I chatted with a Chinese guy on a train. He whispered that he dared listen to BBC radio’s World Service to learn of world events beyond the Chinese government’s censorship, however, he refused to comment further for fear someone might report him.

But it isn’t only the Chinese who fear China.

China has been a nuclear power since 1964. And, post-Cold War, everyone acknowledges China is the biggest rival to America’s supremacy.

But what can be done about this threat, about these human rights abuses?

Isn’t it obvious? Continue Reading »