Lions led by Sheep -

  

Have you ever had one of those days?

I bet you have.

But have you ever had FOUR of ‘those days’ all crammed into one?!

Thursday was fun… Continue Reading »

Breaking news – Leeds, Northern England. Terrorist attack devastates region’s biggest sports stadium. Thousands confirmed dead.

Just moments ago, a terrorist attack demolished Leeds United Football Club’s Elland Road stadium where tens of thousands of children were attending a Larry the Lion’s Africa Appeal rally.

Photo - Gareth Owen

Children had journeyed from all over England to celebrate their raising of over £1,000,000 to fight Third World hunger. Eye witness reports say just minutes into the festivities a series of ground-shaking explosions devastated the stadium’s support structure.

While the ferocious blasts killed hundreds instantly, before the surviving children could be evacuated, the stadium’s gigantic 17,000-seat East Stand collapsed, its roof crashing tons of steel and concrete down onto a stadium filled to capacity. Seconds later, the Revie Stand collapsed, too. Estimates say upwards of 24,000 children are feared dead.

Children
24,000
Dead

What kind of monsters slaughter their fellow man? But slaughter children!?

• This is the greatest disaster England has ever suffered.
• The greatest nightmare Europe has ever seen.
• In deed, possibly the greatest atrocity to ever strike the entire world.

Monsters.

They should be tied down and have wild dogs set upon them!

Monsters. Is there any other word for it? Continue Reading »

Can we blame all the world’s problems on  politicians? You bet we can! And here’s why.
But can we fix the world’s problems? You bet we can! And here’s how.

Recently, President Bush blamed the Democrats for gasoline prices crucifying the American economy. (And it is bad. Between August 2007 and July 2008 I witnessed prices rise over 60% from an average of $2.70 to $4.40.)

But Bush is the most powerful man on Earth. Why should he blame the opposition?

Because they stopped him allowing companies to asphalt Yellowstone Park and drill for oil. Yep, the Democrats protected the environment! Evil, America-hating b*stards!

Okay, so it wasn’t Yellowstone, but it might as well have been: it was some pristine wilderness that Bush wanted to lay waste to.

Sadly, this is nothing new: in every country, in every age, politicians have crucified the world since, well, since politicians emerged!

As for the oil crisis, they’d have us believe they were powerless to protect us. Were they? Continue Reading »

You probably aren’t aware of this but rich people have a hard time.

And, I’m ashamed to say, I’m partly to blame!

Recently, I’ve criticised wealthy execs and politicians for being uncaring monsters who manipulate the world for profit, when, in reality, they’re simply trying to live their lives as best they can. They have it just as tough as anyone. Tougher even!

For example, have you ever stopped to think just how absolutely awful it must be to drive a Lamborghini?

No!?

So imagine all those precious hours wasted through constantly having to fill up the tank because it gets only 8 mpg. Not to mention the cost with oil prices rocketing!

But the true nightmare must surely be the curse of having an educated palate.

• You can’t visit most towns as so few have five star gourmet restaurants.
• You can’t shop cheaply at Wal-Mart but must use costly specialist retailers.
• You can’t pop to the drive-through if you’re peckish, but must phone your exclusive restaurant, praying for a cancellation and a free table!

With so many restrictions, it’s like being in prison!

So, have a heart - give the rich a break! Maybe even slip a few bucks under a parked Lamborghini’s windshield wipers next time you see one.

But that’s going to leave a huge void - who the hell can we bitch about!?

Okay, after meticulous research, I’ve found a few substitute hopefuls.

Who? Continue Reading »

Believe me, that’s one flag you’re gonna be only too eager to burn!

Picture the scene - The White House, Washington, a beautiful Fourth of July. Over a bucket of southern fried chicken, the President and the First Lady are soaking up some rays in the Rose Garden and discussing who’s been evicted from Big Brother. Suddenly, the biggest squadron of helicopters ever assembled roars overhead. They hover. All their doors slide open. In unison, thousands of passengers hang their bare butts out and… take a dump. The White House, the President and the First Lady are buried under a mountain of–

I think you get the picture.

Now, once my American readers have finished with their death threats, I imagine you’ve got one question. I’ll guess it’s this one - Continue Reading »

Kids! What the hell do they know? Loud, lazy, disrespectful, trouble causers. Like we can ever learn anything from kids!

So why do I suggest you waste 6 minutes of your life watching the video below which features just an ordinary bunch of kids from an ordinary school?

You’ll see. Continue Reading »

Serious question. When they constantly stick their noses into the entire world’s business, we deserve to know. What the hell is wrong with them?

• One afternoon, after our car broke down, Ania and I were stranded in a desert. It was 111°F and 40 miles to the nearest town - we were in serious trouble. Luckily, a group of Lithuanians happened by and rescued us.
• One evening, after a guide gave us bad advice, Ania and I were stuck 8000ft up a mountain in a thunderstorm. It was lightning and a four mile hike to safety - we were in serious trouble. Luckily, a middle-aged Italian couple happened by and rescued us.
• One night, after receiving incomplete route information from a ranger, Ania and I were marooned in a forest. We’d no flashlights and a treacherous trail back - we were in serious trouble. Luckily, two young Spanish guys happened by and rescued us.

Isn’t it a wonderful world? Lithuanians, Italians, Spanish helping the English and Polish. What a truly heavenly world community.

Except… Continue Reading »